How to Become a Bishop

— Without Being Religious —
by Charles Merrill Smith

In several sermons, Pastor Emry referred to this, long out-of-print book. A copy was obtained and, to preserve this hidden information, it has been reproduced here.

Written in 1964, by a Methodist minister, it was intended as a "in the real world" text to those in the mainstream ministry. The author, in his zeal to appear intellectual, sometimes chooses words requiring the use of a dictionary. However, this satirical presentation becomes a very revealing book, as to the reasons for the seeming success of our "Judeo/Christian churches," while attempts of Identity ministers to build churches, usually fail.

This is a large book. To make it easier to read, each chapter is listed separately.

Just Click on the item or Chapter you want to see.

Front Cover


Chapter 1:  "The Professional Stance, or The Technique of Being Unmistakably Clerical"  — Piety and its uses; Notes on pastoral attire; The car in front of the manse; Living the inhibited life; Choosing art and literature suitable for the parsonage; The value of the stained-glass voice.

Chapter 2: "Selecting The Clerical Wife" — The reasons why you must marry; The stylish, sexy and other types of girls to avoid; The advantages of marrying a girl who wants to marry a minister; The tremendous advantage of marrying a girl who has money.

Chapter 3: "How To Be Impressive In The Pulpit" — Entertain the customers; Make them cry; Make them feel religious; Notes on noteless preaching; A preaching program which can't miss; The dangers of being specific.

Chapter 4: "The Administration of a Church, Which is a Polite Phrase For Raising Money" - The theology of church finance; The pallid sins of nice people; The peace which passeth understanding; The status church; Picking the right Negro; How to handle committees; The man to cultivate; Tell them they are in charge.

Chapter 5: "Conducting Public Worship, An Exercise in Nostalgia" — How to produce the right feeling; The good and the bad hymns; Some strikes against "A Mighty Fortress;" The assurances of "Blessed Assurance;" The greatest hymn ever written; Soft music and the prayer tone; Managing the successful wedding ceremony.

Chapter 6: "The Other Minor But Unavoidable Obligations" — How to live with the Sunday School; Hitting it off with the ladies; The art of pastoral counseling.

Chapter 7: "Getting Into The Major Leagues" — The chaps who get the job.

Chapter 8: "Alternative Routes To The Top" — The honest self-examination prior to seeking board service; The blessings of a board executive; How to pretend you prefer the pastorate; The college presidency - its joys and hazards; Living with the faculty; Never mind the students.

Chapter 9: "The Last Lap" — Achieving the humility-ability balance; The unpredictable nature of electing assemblies; Conducting counsel.